This is another of those posts that I write with my eyes closed. My heart talking directly to you. Some days it feels like you’re so close. I can still feel you in my arms. Other days, it seems like you were but a whisper and only existed in my dreams. I grasp and grab for you but can’t reach you. I remind myself that you were here. You existed.
I’m so struck by how profoundly you changed me. While I’m so sad and grief-stricken over your death, I’m also so much more happy with myself. I don’t waste time wallowing in self pity anymore. I give everything my 100 percent. More than anything, I fully realize that I am good enough. You freed me in many ways. Although, I would have rather learned these lessons with you by my side and here still.
I’m content where I am, no matter where that is. I’m not always seeking, seeking, seeking. I’m living. Sometimes I just stop and breath, knowing the fact that I’m breathing is wondrous.
Bad days still happen. Sometimes my mind takes off in directions I can barely control. A few days ago, I had a severe gall bladder attack and went to the emergency room to make sure it wasn’t infected and for pain control. I told daddy not to bother coming in since we knew exactly what was wrong. I relived that night with you. I was there for a while because I was in so much pain. Daddy came in many hours later. I asked why, and he said he was worried. I could tell he too must have relived that night.
As I sat in that little room, I began to tear up. I’m at an odd stage. While once the tears came often, now I rarely cry. I know I’ll cry again and this is just a dry season of sorts. I know it’s okay to cry and okay not to cry.
My grief and pain are the only tangible thing I have left of you. Well, that’s not true, I have one other thing, my love and hope. I turn to that more and more now. Part of me is afraid to give up my sadness because it’s one of my only links to you. I’m working on strengthening my other bond, working for you and spreading the love and compassion you brought into my life. It’s how I can still be connected to you. It’s how I parent you always. In that way, you’ll never, ever die. Even after I’m gone, I hope the work I do for you lives on forever. I think it will.
I know that the love I feel for you doesn’t just leave suddenly. From you, I learned that love isn’t something we close off in our hearts and minds. It’s something we throw out and that’s felt in the air and in all we do. It stays. It’s active. It’s more than an emotion or feeling. It’s an active force. I have no doubt of that. I think hate is the same way. Anger is an emotion, and I think something that can be snuffed out, but hatred is like love and will multiply. For that reason, I make it a point to never release hatred. It doesn’t leave either, instead it festers and bounces off other people.
I don’t know if I would have believed that before you. You proved it for me.
Your love will never, ever die.